My five year old does the funniest thing sometimes- he covers his ears, and then yells whatever message it is he's trying to get to someone else. He's so desperate to get the words across, so hilariously cracked-up in his goofiness, or so deeply angry, that he screams or hollors or shouts whatever it is … Continue reading Noise
National Foster Care Month. ALS Awareness Month. International Bereaved Mother's Day. Mother's Day. It's May. All of these calendar happenings have me remembering, which doesn't take much, because May is a month of memories anyways. And under the weight of this quarantine, the remembering of that season and the reality of this current one have … Continue reading To The Hiding and Hurting on Mother’s Day
And then the world you know rips the rug out from under you and is no longer the world you know. We are stuck at home, the calendar wiped clean, cancellations prevalent, friends unseen, momentum gone. I've been here before. Two years ago, when the rug was ripped out from under me the last time, … Continue reading When the Whole World Changes and Spring Seems Lost: Five Truths for the Panic
And just like that, winter clasped its ugly hand over my mouth and stifled the words that would be. "It's been a long time since you posted anything," Facebook notification reminds me. I know. I know it has, but there's two types of too hard- too hard that I have to write and too hard … Continue reading In the Middle: He Will Not Leave Me Here.
Christmas is over. The New Year has come and begun. The holidays daze is done and I'm left in the wake looking ahead at winter. The decorations are packed back up and put away- all that is except the stray ornament that managed to hide in the hours of clean up and is now hanging … Continue reading Staring into the Long Winter
The trees were all turning brown. All just giving up, browning, dying, without even the attempt at color. Too parched, too worn out, too long of a blazing hot dry summer to give way to one last heaving breathe of beauty before the fall. Instead just brown. I guess this is how I often feel- … Continue reading Seeing Red
I watched the roller coaster climb and couldn't even bring myself to believe he was on it. Fighting my own nausea despite not even being on the ride, praying ceaselessly, and resisting panic, I mainly planted myself in denial. This could not be happening. How could I let myself believe that my petite-not-even-40-pounds-just-turned-7-year-old was slowing … Continue reading The Roller Coaster Ride of Life
I grabbed my gratitude journal, the one I had been neglecting for the last few days, stuck in a funk, and, almost immediately, I put it right back. The journal inside of a devotional explaining the importance of giving regular thanks. But in this moment all I can think is, what should I be thankful … Continue reading When the Darkness Deepens and Bad News Batters: Maybe There’s a Rainbow.
I remember once, my brother asked, does it make it harder or easier? This baby, this little one, placed in our care. After the losses, the babies taken, the pain and grief; the now holding and swinging and swaddling... Does it make it harder or easier? Yes, I said. It makes it harder, and it … Continue reading Mount Moriah and the Climb of Foster Care
You only get eighteen summers. That's what the memes and posts tell you, remind you, warn you. Eighteen summers with your little one. Eighteen. That's it until that's it, so cherish each one- eighteen, seventeen, sixteen... I remember seeing the posts often last summer, scrolling and then the taunting of it all. I saw the … Continue reading Eighteen Summers