My five year old does the funniest thing sometimes- he covers his ears, and then yells whatever message it is he's trying to get to someone else. He's so desperate to get the words across, so hilariously cracked-up in his goofiness, or so deeply angry, that he screams or hollors or shouts whatever it is … Continue reading Noise
And just like that, winter clasped its ugly hand over my mouth and stifled the words that would be. "It's been a long time since you posted anything," Facebook notification reminds me. I know. I know it has, but there's two types of too hard- too hard that I have to write and too hard … Continue reading In the Middle: He Will Not Leave Me Here.
Christmas is over. The New Year has come and begun. The holidays daze is done and I'm left in the wake looking ahead at winter. The decorations are packed back up and put away- all that is except the stray ornament that managed to hide in the hours of clean up and is now hanging … Continue reading Staring into the Long Winter
The trees were all turning brown. All just giving up, browning, dying, without even the attempt at color. Too parched, too worn out, too long of a blazing hot dry summer to give way to one last heaving breathe of beauty before the fall. Instead just brown. I guess this is how I often feel- … Continue reading Seeing Red
I grabbed my gratitude journal, the one I had been neglecting for the last few days, stuck in a funk, and, almost immediately, I put it right back. The journal inside of a devotional explaining the importance of giving regular thanks. But in this moment all I can think is, what should I be thankful … Continue reading When the Darkness Deepens and Bad News Batters: Maybe There’s a Rainbow.
There's a sign in ASL. It's the same as the sign for "scar". But it's done across the forehead. It's the sign for "trauma". Because isn't that where trauma lands? The deepest wounds, harshest scars. Right across the mind. When everything happened last year, there was a distinct point when I realized it, I knew … Continue reading When the Mind Breaks
I had to go to the doctor last week. It wasn't for anything major, and for most people, that wouldn't cause a wave, but for me it caused floods of PTSD symptoms. A panic attack at work, and hours of battling catastrophic thinking and hyperventilating, I clung to the only help I could. Jesus. Isn't … Continue reading Good Friday Goodness
I remember too clearly, last June, sitting in a John Hopkins Urology doctor's room, a catheter strapped to my leg and fear strapped to my heart. The urologist came in, briefly glanced at the computer, and then asked me, how did this happen? In that moment so many scenes spun through my mind. The waking … Continue reading The Weight of What Happened
You can't capture a sunset. Just like you can't capture the God glimpses and the almost-breakthroughs and the intimate moments of clarity. You can't capture a sunset, but you try, and you take the picture but the pixels are never enough, it's never fully there. And so sunset pictures come with disclaimers that declare it … Continue reading Sunset Reckonings